Tuesday, October 2, 2012

have I lost it?

I know I said that I was going to take a break from writing. I kinda did, it's been a month since the last update and I'm not travelling. I will take this as a small break :-)

Some of you might know that right now I'm going through a not very nice moment in my life. A lot of things are affecting my life at the same time, none of them good. I could try to see them from the positive side but I can't find it anywhere. I know I'm being extremely negative but that's how things are right now. It's affecting me so much to a point that I'm really stressed out. It's affected my breathing, my sleeping habits and I'm having anxiety attacks. Hopefully, this will change soon, very soon.

I also decided to write because I thought this might be a good therapy. I'm putting my mind "somewhere" else. Yeah, yeah, why somewhere if I'm writing about what is affecting me? well, actually that is exactly what is keeping calm and relaxed right now. Maybe I needed a way to vent all these feelings I have inside, which is another contradiction as I always tried (and succeeded I think) to keep this blog not personal. This and a bit of chemicals (not drugs!) and music helped me a bit to calm down. Why didn't I think about music before? There is a french band that I really like, I have three of their albums so I set onto look for the other two I don't have, I managed to find only one. The band's name is Rinôçérôse. Listening to the three albums really relaxed me. The answer to solving the problem is actually quite easy: put your mind in doing something. The difficult part is to find that something. I know, I'm not very positive, but that is starting to change. The moment I started to accept things the way they are, all started to change. Very slowly but started to change.

Everything is connected. I need to leave the house but having got used to be with someone for an extended period of time, going out alone seems far from easy at the moment, so I retreat myself indoors and become a zombie in front of TV or PC. It's a vicious circle: I know I need to go out but I don't even feel the desire of doing so. Last week I spent half a week in Antigua. Not being online those days felt good. I need to stay away from the PC. But then again, I don't go out, so it's a TV/PC combo. The fucking vicious circle strikes again. Ah! and for everything you need to ever present fucking money! God I hate money! Although sometimes I wished I had money to just buy a ticket to a land far away and disappear and be able to come back any time I want to visit my mum. As you may know, I don't even have half of the things that were stolen back in july. I need them. Friends gave me a few things, that and going quite often to a paca (check the wiki article and imagine those things but made of all kinds of clothes. And not cylindrical but in the shape of a cube).

Even though I'm not very active on facebook anymore, but I check it from time to time. I can stalk you without you even noticing! kidding. Anyways, a friend of mine has a page that I enjoy very much reading. I highly recommend you to give it a look and maybe even like it, here´s the link: Charlotte Acrobat's 365. Some of her writings I felt were meant for, here are the extracts of the two that woke me up:

"I seek happiness and stability, yet when I finally achieve that, I always do something to destroy it. (...) I screw things up. And then I want to fix them ..." 

"- I can't handle it anymore, I can't handle it.
- You have to. There are people relying on you.
- This pressure doesn't let me even breathe normally.
- (...) stop the self-pitying bullshit. You're better than that. 

(...)

- Just... You know what would be really nice now?
- No, I don't.
- Hug me."


I've managed to find stability only once. I want to keep it. I've lost the desire to keep travelling. After practically travelling non-stop for three years I am (or was?) ready to stop and settle somewhere. And I really, really, REALLY need a hug from you.

I've installed a new antivirus in my mum's desktop PC so the new software had to perform a something-something check on the PC. When I came back I logged into facebook and immediately checked my friend's page to see today's writing to my happy surprise there was one!

"Few days ago I thought to myself: 'Ok, this is it. My life cannot be more complicated than now.' But life's a bitch, as always, and it gave me even more complications. I can see it laughing at my face."

I actually thought that. No, let me rephrase, I think that every single fucking day that goes by.
Indeed, life's a fucking bitch! And indeed I see it laughing at my fucking face!

So, I'm trying to get up again shake off the dust in my trousers. I feel good right now. I think is the combination of the writing and the pill I took last night before going to bed. I followed my heart before. I will do it again.

Have I lost it, maybe. But I'm finding it again...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

la pregunta amigo es saber si "finding it" tiene que significar absolutamente "volver a viajar". eso no me ha quedado claro... tal vez una crisis de transición hacia otro tipo de viaje u otro tipo de vida?
un abrazote, una vez toques el fondo de la piscina da un empujón de los más fuertes y volverás a salir a flote en algún momento! Emilie.

ricbee said...

You need to find some work,even volunteer work. Interaction with strangers will invigorate you.I take care of this property so I always have yard work or some little necessary chore to do.It gets me away from the PC.
In a week I head for Peru-I wish I was going to meet you there. Traveling alone in a new country can be trying.I'm feeling a bit apprehensive.