Dangriga firestation

It feels strange to be travelling on my own again. I haven't done this in practically a year. With a couple of exceptions; but in general I always travelled with someone.

The boat ride went really smooth. I was sitting right before the engines because I thought the junping was goingt to be less than in the forward. Everything was nice and I was taking a nice nap when I felt my face wet. It was raining and it didn't stop for the remaining of the ride... 1,5 hours.

Finally we made it to Big Creek where all the passengers had our passports stamped. Most of them kept going to Placencia which is more touristy and only a few of us stayed in order to go to Dangriga. It's worth to say that the boat company offers free ground transportation to Dangriga, about 80km.

From the bus station I walked a bit and found a small spot on the beach where I sat and ate the sandwiches that Benilda (Dario's wife made for me). It was awesome to have the Caribbean Sea in front of me, I felt insignificant compared to the greatness of the sea.

I had already looked upon where was the firestation and policestation. I walked by it trying to find another place to sit and read for a while, I found a concrete bench in front of the sea and waited for an hour to ask the firemen. Actually, I'm writting this words sitting on a firemen truck (I write first in a notebook and the the internet) I slept that night. It's only 18.05. I wish it was later. I wish it was time to go to sleep. I set the alarm for 5.00 because I would like to see the sunrise. The beach is only 50m away. Tomorrow I have to make it to Tulum sometime in the afternoon, before sunset.

The mosquitoes are eating me ALIVE!!!!

on the road again

After the peculiar conversation I had with the policeman I walked 300m to the "bus station". Of course I tried to hitch but it was raining so after 20 min, the bus came and I was on my way to Puerto Cortes.

The boat office closes at 16.00 on sundays so I thought about dropping by to check it out if I make it earlier... long story short/ I did make it earlier and I got a 10$ discount thanks to my bargain skills learnt while travelling South America.

I tried to hitch again but I was once again unlucky. But I let pass three buses before getting onto one. I was going to San Pedro Sula, Honduras second city in importance and size, to visit my friend Dario and his family. The last time I saw them was when I  was just starting my travels, actually during my second stop. The bus dropped me off at the main bus terminal and from there I walked more or less almost Dario's house. Almost because night caught me before and I hat to take refuge inside a petrol station. He picked me up a short while later.

Meeting with him was great, I felt that not three years went by but only a few days since my last visit. They made sure that I felt at home, and I did! I stayed only two nights but quality prevailed over quantity. My welcome was a baleada dinner... yummy.

But monday came and I had to take the boat that was taking me to Belize.

wait, what?

Enough of all the melancholic-depressive shit...

I had this conversation with a policeman on the Honduran side of the border:

- policeman: passport. Where are you from?

- Ron: here's my ID. I'm from Guatemala.

policeman looking at me.

Ron looking back at the policeman thinking  why the hell is h looking at him that way.

- pm: were you living in Guatemala legally?

I thought, what kind of question is that?

- R: I'm originally from there.

- pm: but, did you work there legally?

- R: I was born there!

- pm: you don't look Guatemalan.

- R: I get that a lot. Would you like to buy a leatherman?

am I growing up?

I  was reading some of my older entries...  WOW. My writing style has changed a lot. I've changed a lot. I think that travelling this much has make grow up, in every sense of the word. I've had good and bad experiences. I've fallen in love. I've ran out of money, several times. I've hitchhiked means of transport some people think it's impossible to do it. I've gone to places where only a few of my countrymen had been before.

But one thing that caught my attention was that when every time I'm home I don't feel good. It's not that I don't like being here, I love it! I get to spend time with my mum which is the main reason  for me to come back, but I think that the circumstances that I'm under every time I'm back are difficult. It's also hard to adapt again. Some people might call it reverse culture shock but for me is just culture shock, in my home country but culture shock still. I might accept the other two terms wikipedia uses.

The country has changed. There were presidential elections last year and I wasn't here. My home town has changed physically and has become (to my perception) more dangerous. 

This time has been harder, it's the first time I'm alone for an extended period of time and I don't have a job to distract me. I looked for one, believe me! So I spent my days alone as my mum has to go to work every day. I went to Antigua a few times but afterwards is me, myself and I again. so I spent practically all day by myself. The first month was really hard. Now, it's still hard but now I'm back in the surface. 

I have to confess that I feel very envious every time I hear someone saying that when they went back home they met with all their friends, they had welcome back parties. I have none of these. Not even my brothers wanted to pick us up when I called them once I entered Guatemala back in July. The only reason one of them picked us up was because we were robbed of everything. But well, what can I do?

After almost three years of being on the road I think I'm finally growing up. I decided to stop travelling, to settle somewhere, to not move from country to country like a maniac. Maybe I want a boring life? But doesn't have to be boring is it? Do you have any suggestions as to where to do this, if so, please tell me because I have no fucking clue!

Insomnia. or something else?

I've always had problems sleeping. I mean, maybe not a problem but I tend to sleep not long. I can go to bed late and be awake a few hours later. The other day I had an anxiety attack and went to bed at 5.00 in the morning. I was awake again at 8.00.

Lately all the feelings I had since my last post are still there but in a lesser degree. The pressure in my chest is gone. Well, today (actually right now) I started to feel it again. That's the main reason for writing  To see if it goes away.

I feel like something is missing. I'm missing something, maybe I miss being on the road? Maybe I miss being in Europe. Maybe I miss someone? For sure. All this combined with the disappointment I feel is not a good combination. I hope that all of this change this. Well, I'm not sitting on my ass and wait to change by itself, I know I need to make that change happen. I'm starting. Slowly but I think I'm succeeding  The first month basically I was revolving in my own misery but I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I touched bottom but like a good friend of mine told me "once you reach the bottom, use it to push it as strong as you can to back to the surface"  (or something like that, she said in Spanish). That's what I did. I dragged myself out of the house. Now, I'm happy to tell that almost everyday I'm going out at least for a few hours. I'm changing environment. It's not just the TV/PC combo I was used. I still have learn to stay out more but I'm so paranoid of riding buses late that I don't like to take the bus back home later than 16.00. What I do sometimes is just take the book I'm currently reading (Guatemalan author) and go to a small park near my mum's house and read a few chapters. Well, to tell you the truth, I've only done that once. But I think I'm making progress.

The pressure is going away, I think. So writing actually works! I know this is a travel blog or at least that's what I think, so I apologize for expressing what I'm going through at the moment. This is my therapy, my self prescribed medicine, and it's working!

So, don't get angry if you read me more often!

have I lost it?

I know I said that I was going to take a break from writing. I kinda did, it's been a month since the last update and I'm not travelling. I will take this as a small break :-)

Some of you might know that right now I'm going through a not very nice moment in my life. A lot of things are affecting my life at the same time, none of them good. I could try to see them from the positive side but I can't find it anywhere. I know I'm being extremely negative but that's how things are right now. It's affecting me so much to a point that I'm really stressed out. It's affected my breathing, my sleeping habits and I'm having anxiety attacks. Hopefully, this will change soon, very soon.

I also decided to write because I thought this might be a good therapy. I'm putting my mind "somewhere" else. Yeah, yeah, why somewhere if I'm writing about what is affecting me? well, actually that is exactly what is keeping calm and relaxed right now. Maybe I needed a way to vent all these feelings I have inside, which is another contradiction as I always tried (and succeeded I think) to keep this blog not personal. This and a bit of chemicals (not drugs!) and music helped me a bit to calm down. Why didn't I think about music before? There is a french band that I really like, I have three of their albums so I set onto look for the other two I don't have, I managed to find only one. The band's name is Rinôçérôse. Listening to the three albums really relaxed me. The answer to solving the problem is actually quite easy: put your mind in doing something. The difficult part is to find that something. I know, I'm not very positive, but that is starting to change. The moment I started to accept things the way they are, all started to change. Very slowly but started to change.

Everything is connected. I need to leave the house but having got used to be with someone for an extended period of time, going out alone seems far from easy at the moment, so I retreat myself indoors and become a zombie in front of TV or PC. It's a vicious circle: I know I need to go out but I don't even feel the desire of doing so. Last week I spent half a week in Antigua. Not being online those days felt good. I need to stay away from the PC. But then again, I don't go out, so it's a TV/PC combo. The fucking vicious circle strikes again. Ah! and for everything you need to ever present fucking money! God I hate money! Although sometimes I wished I had money to just buy a ticket to a land far away and disappear and be able to come back any time I want to visit my mum. As you may know, I don't even have half of the things that were stolen back in july. I need them. Friends gave me a few things, that and going quite often to a paca (check the wiki article and imagine those things but made of all kinds of clothes. And not cylindrical but in the shape of a cube).

Even though I'm not very active on facebook anymore, but I check it from time to time. I can stalk you without you even noticing! kidding. Anyways, a friend of mine has a page that I enjoy very much reading. I highly recommend you to give it a look and maybe even like it, here´s the link: Charlotte Acrobat's 365. Some of her writings I felt were meant for, here are the extracts of the two that woke me up:

"I seek happiness and stability, yet when I finally achieve that, I always do something to destroy it. (...) I screw things up. And then I want to fix them ..." 

"- I can't handle it anymore, I can't handle it.
- You have to. There are people relying on you.
- This pressure doesn't let me even breathe normally.
- (...) stop the self-pitying bullshit. You're better than that. 

(...)

- Just... You know what would be really nice now?
- No, I don't.
- Hug me."

I've managed to find stability only once. I want to keep it. I've lost the desire to keep travelling. After practically travelling non-stop for three years I am (or was?) ready to stop and settle somewhere. And I really, really, REALLY need a hug from you.

I've installed a new antivirus in my mum's desktop PC so the new software had to perform a something-something check on the PC. When I came back I logged into facebook and immediately checked my friend's page to see today's writing to my happy surprise there was one!

"Few days ago I thought to myself: 'Ok, this is it. My life cannot be more complicated than now.' But life's a bitch, as always, and it gave me even more complications. I can see it laughing at my face."

I actually thought that. No, let me rephrase, I think that every single fucking day that goes by.
Indeed, life's a fucking bitch! And indeed I see it laughing at my fucking face!

So, I'm trying to get up again shake off the dust in my trousers. I feel good right now. I think is the combination of the writing and the pill I took last night before going to bed. I followed my heart before. I will do it again.

Have I lost it, maybe. But I'm finding it again...